wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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