Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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