Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
