I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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