i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I fill condoms, not promises.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
