She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
