im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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