Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
