Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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