I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
