During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
