I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
