I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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