WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My life is pants optional.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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