some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
