I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
