New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
