Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So squirting runs in the family.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
