i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
