My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
