yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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