what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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