Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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