Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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