hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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