I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
