he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
