I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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