You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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