i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish you could order shots online.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
