I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
