Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
