where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
