Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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