I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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