Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
