M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
