We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize