I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
