I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We have so much sex to catch up on
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
