I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
