You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
