I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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