I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
