Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dignity is for republicans.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I want to fling myself into the sun
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
