If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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