ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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