you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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