I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
