you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
