Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
