I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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