I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
