we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
