Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
