ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
